Grudesky.com

For those of you who are not Texans, a word about Dairy Queen and its relation to geography.

The size of a community is determined by the number of Dairy Queen (DQ) locations:

One DQ = a place down the road a piece from a town

Two DQ = a town

Three DQ = a city

Four DQ = a metropolis

Five DQ = an independent nation-state

Texas has the most DQ restaurants with more than 600 locations. But, of course, you knew this already.

I found that we have a DQ here but it’s not really a DQ, it was a weird Invasion-of-the-Body-Snatchers-style pod-DQ.

Case in point: no burgers. Nada on the beef.

Now I wasn’t being too picky; I wasn’t looking for the Texas Burger or even the famed Hunger Buster.

Oh, sure, they had a Breaded Chicken Sandwich, but who in the hell goes to a DQ for that greaseless lunch item.

It would be better if they didn’t even try, to not have any DQ, than to mercilessly tease burger-loving Texans with these cheap DQ impostors.

The irony of the day was that after my tragic DQ discovery, I found a very authentic White Castle.

Insane bid from electrician: $1,500

Maximum insurance out-of-pocket hospitalization: $1,000

Sense of superiority when you do it yourself, you don’t get fried, and it works on the first try: priceless

Imagine, if you will, that the mirror had never become such a common household object. Perhaps that could explain the innumerable hordes dressed in clothing too tight and too small.

I get that it’s “hot” here (85 degrees, big deal), but even the triple-digit temps of Texas rarely drive people to dress like a tube of cookie dough squeezed in the middle, oozing from every seam.

Work on the house is slow and steady. It took four days to get an electrician to come and talk about some work I wanted done. Ten days later, I get the bid to the tune of $1,600. In the meantime, I’ve purchased a copy of the local electrical code and done half the work myself.

Now, I’m all for outsourcing, especially when it comes to even remotely annoying work. But this is akin to being told a haircut is $600 because it will take two people five hours.

In other news, I easily beat back a 24-hour cold, but woke up this morning with my voice totally gone. The fun part about this is that to our mutual amusement, Elizabeth has had to problems interpreting my bizarre personal sign language.

Sorry about the delay in adding new entries. The house has required a bit more attention than I was planning. Also, things suck which makes it difficult to manage regular updates.

But now that I’ve taken up huffing paint thinner, things should be back on track.

I’m kidding, people, relax. Paint thinner is way too expensive here.

House Update:

“Do you need anything for the house?”

“Just two things: an insurance policy and a blow torch.”

And now, True Stories from the Home Depot:

“I need to get these locks re-keyed. Where do I go for that?”

“That guy isn’t around today.”

“Okay, when is he around?”

“I don’t know.”

“Okay, who does know?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why exactly are you here?”

“What?”

Thankfully, a Lowe’s opened before this pinhead emerged from the philosphical quicksand I dropped him in. I’d go back to check on him, but gosh I’m so busy busy busy.

Moving on…

Items required to get a New York state driver’s license: 6

Items required to perform a tracheotomy with a steak knife: 1

Cost of two matinee movie tickets: $14

Cost to drop someone off at La Guardia airport: $14 (tolls, baby, all tolls)

Estimate of electrical work on house: $1,500 (not kidding)

Estimate of medical bills if I screw up while doing the work myself: $25 (insurance copay)

Distance, in miles, between exit 15 and 16 on any Texas highway: 1

Distance, in miles, between exit 15 and 16 on any New York highway: between 1 and 60

Size, on average, of a piece of Chicken Parmesan in Texas: human fist

Size, on average, of a piece of Chicken Parmesan in New York: human torso

My new office at home is nearly finished, so that huge update is really coming soon. In short, making peace with something is not the same as liking it. However, on the upside, three words: good Chinese delivery.

Back online. Catch up begins shortly…

In short, the way things are done in Texas is correct. They way things are done here are incorrect.

However, I’m here for most likely the rest of my life. This should be interesting.

I’ve been on the road a few days, so there’s lots of catching up to do…

Saturday: Long Day’s Journey Into the Friggin’ Truck

The mover arrived around 9 am and it took them the better part of eight hours to get everything on the truck.

They drive off and Elizabeth, Rob, and I are left standing in the empty house. I understand that when released from prison, most people don’t need a last long nostalgic look back at their cell. But this was no cell, it was our home, and now it’s not and it felt like we were ghosts walking through room by room.

The actual leaving was so excruciating that I’m not going to write about it. We headed out for Dallas and made it around 10 pm. We played Battle of the Maps Printed from the Internet with my parents and agreed that really, they were all about the same.

To be continued…

When Movers Go Bad

To say that today sucked barely scratches the surface. After two days of being told by the packing crew that we would fill an entire truck, this morning the actual truck arrives and it is not empty.

So all our stuff will not fit. It seems the sales weasel underestimated the amount of stuff by about 3,000 pounds. You know, not too much, just the combined weight of the entire cast of a Cirque du Soleil show.

After both Elizabeth and I express our individual flavors of displeasure at the suggestion that any overflow will arrive two weeks late, a series of phone calls and more screw ups culminates in the completely unexpected.

The driver leaves. Without our stuff. In his defense, the driver left because the moving company was trying to stiff him. There was nothing personal and no hard feelings. We actually had a lot of respect for the guy for sticking to his guns.

After he left, Elizabeth and I sat staring at each other as if our entrails were hanging out.

The details that followed are about as exciting as someone describing a manicure blow-by blow, but at the end of the day, the moving company agreed to come out tomorrow, put our stuff in storage, and ship it out Monday or Tuesday.

Moving cross-country is about as irritating as the entire Vienna Boy’s Choir scraping their fingernails down a chalkboard.