For those of you who are not Texans, a word about Dairy Queen and its relation to geography.

The size of a community is determined by the number of Dairy Queen (DQ) locations:

One DQ = a place down the road a piece from a town

Two DQ = a town

Three DQ = a city

Four DQ = a metropolis

Five DQ = an independent nation-state

Texas has the most DQ restaurants with more than 600 locations. But, of course, you knew this already.

I found that we have a DQ here but it’s not really a DQ, it was a weird Invasion-of-the-Body-Snatchers-style pod-DQ.

Case in point: no burgers. Nada on the beef.

Now I wasn’t being too picky; I wasn’t looking for the Texas Burger or even the famed Hunger Buster.

Oh, sure, they had a Breaded Chicken Sandwich, but who in the hell goes to a DQ for that greaseless lunch item.

It would be better if they didn’t even try, to not have any DQ, than to mercilessly tease burger-loving Texans with these cheap DQ impostors.

The irony of the day was that after my tragic DQ discovery, I found a very authentic White Castle.