Sorry about the delay in adding new entries. The house has required a bit more attention than I was planning. Also, things suck which makes it difficult to manage regular updates.

But now that I’ve taken up huffing paint thinner, things should be back on track.

I’m kidding, people, relax. Paint thinner is way too expensive here.

House Update:

“Do you need anything for the house?”

“Just two things: an insurance policy and a blow torch.”

And now, True Stories from the Home Depot:

“I need to get these locks re-keyed. Where do I go for that?”

“That guy isn’t around today.”

“Okay, when is he around?”

“I don’t know.”

“Okay, who does know?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why exactly are you here?”

“What?”

Thankfully, a Lowe’s opened before this pinhead emerged from the philosphical quicksand I dropped him in. I’d go back to check on him, but gosh I’m so busy busy busy.

Moving on…

Items required to get a New York state driver’s license: 6

Items required to perform a tracheotomy with a steak knife: 1

Cost of two matinee movie tickets: $14

Cost to drop someone off at La Guardia airport: $14 (tolls, baby, all tolls)

Estimate of electrical work on house: $1,500 (not kidding)

Estimate of medical bills if I screw up while doing the work myself: $25 (insurance copay)

Distance, in miles, between exit 15 and 16 on any Texas highway: 1

Distance, in miles, between exit 15 and 16 on any New York highway: between 1 and 60

Size, on average, of a piece of Chicken Parmesan in Texas: human fist

Size, on average, of a piece of Chicken Parmesan in New York: human torso